Writing With Abandon

Reflections and ramblings about life as an educator, writer, reader, knitter, and over-thinker. Trying to do the writing only I can do.

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I’m Amy. A born and raised New Yorker, currently living in Miami. Here to reflect on my experiences as an educator and learner, working things out as I write.

The Last Time

There’s something bubbling beneath every day lately at work. A thread weaving between the seams, a whispered undercurrent.

“This might be the last time you…” it says.

I try to shake it off — it jars me.

But it’s a persistent little f***er.

“This might be your last chapter book read aloud,” it whispers to me as I put post-its to mark each day in Refugee.

“This might be your last field trip,” it sings as I send the confirmation email to Bowlero.

“This might be the last time you hear that,” it taunts me when I read a Valentine’s card from a student that ends with “I want to be just like you when I grow up.”

“F off,” I will it to leave in my mind.

But I know it will linger. Because the truth is, many of these moments will be the last.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, just because I made the choice to leave the classroom, doesn’t mean it’s easy.

I’m reminded of Vicky’s slice as I think: Why does choosing myself sometimes feel like I’m breaking my heart?

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20 responses to “The Last Time”

  1. aggiekesler Avatar
    aggiekesler

    My heart hurts for you. We can make decisions we know are right, but still leave us broken-hearted. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Amy Crehore Avatar
      Amy Crehore

      Thank you 🩷

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  2. giannaoleary Avatar
    giannaoleary

    💔 I love you! You are so strong for putting yourself first

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. TLC Avatar
    TLC

    Enjoy all the lasts because they open the door for new firsts!

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. Amy Crehore Avatar
      Amy Crehore

      I love this perspective!

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  4. amyjuengst Avatar
    amyjuengst

    I think about “the last time I will…” often. Ironically, most of us don’t know when it will be the last time we run a 5K, see a friend, attend a concert, and therefore might not give the moment the appreciation it deserves. Enjoy your “lasts” in the classroom. New opportunities await! Good luck!!

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    1. Amy Crehore Avatar
      Amy Crehore

      Yes — it’s all about being present!! Thank you 🙏

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  5. Barb Edler Avatar
    Barb Edler

    Hugs. It takes a while to be able to really retire from the classroom. I am sure some of those thoughts are trying to tell you to just relax and enjoy while you can.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Amy Crehore Avatar
      Amy Crehore

      Thank you 🙏

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  6. Stephanie Avatar
    Stephanie

    I like the way you tell this story through dialogue. I can really feel the emotional tug-of-war. I am rooting for the self that chooses the self. Your closing question is so astute. I have asked myself this same question so many times. Positive growth sometimes hurts first before the breakthrough.

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    1. Amy Crehore Avatar
      Amy Crehore

      I love that: “Positive growth sometimes hurts first before the breakthrough.” Thank you 🙏

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  7. mschiubookawrites Avatar
    mschiubookawrites

    ”A thread weaving between the seams, a whispered undercurrent.” These carefully crafted words set the tone for the difficult decision you have made. Your recognition of this mourning (before the loss) is to be expected given the amount of heart we put into this profession. I wish you peace in the coming days, weeks, and months. Trust your gut and decision making.

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    1. Amy Crehore Avatar
      Amy Crehore

      Thank you so much 🙏

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  8. rdicarne Avatar
    rdicarne

    I am sure this is all bittersweet for you, but only you know what is best for your heart and health. My son left the classroom last June, and he is a different person. I wish you well on the next chapter.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Amy Crehore Avatar
      Amy Crehore

      That gives me a lot of hope. It’s why I’m doing it ❤️ 🙏

      Liked by 1 person

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  9. arjeha Avatar
    arjeha

    My last year of teaching was filled wit lasts. I let my students know it was the las whatever and they rejoiced with me and felt melancholy with me.

    Liked by 1 person

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  10. Jessica Carey Avatar
    Jessica Carey

    Oh this is hard! But stick with Tracey’s advice above. Many new firsts to come!

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Amy Crehore Avatar
      Amy Crehore

      Thank you 🙏🙏🙏

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  11. Fran Haley Avatar
    Fran Haley

    Oh my… the lingering thoughts that “this might be the last” strike deep chords. Yet…the next chapter holds new adventures in store, and that is exciting. Your ending line is a zinger: “Why does choosing myself sometimes feel like I’m breaking my heart?” An absolute gem of a line.

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    1. Amy Crehore Avatar
      Amy Crehore

      Thank you, Fran! I am trying to hold on to the excitement. 🤞

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