A few weeks ago, before the conclave that would select the successor to Pope Francis, Patrick and I went on a pope film spree.
First, we watched Conclave. Next, The Two Popes. And finally, at Patrick’s brother’s suggestion, A Man of His Word, the documentary about Pope Francis. Each of the films kept me thinking, and inspired deep conversations about faith.
I grew up agnostic. My mom is a reformed Jew, and my dad was raised Episcopalian, but neither of my parents are religious, and so they didn’t raise us to be. They simply raised us on the golden rule: “Treat others the way you wish to be treated.”
That said, I’m no atheist — I’ve always felt that there was something greater. I nerd out about astrology, I’m into human design, and I have been finding myself more and more surrendering to faith when faced with the unknown.
In Conclave, Cardinal Lawrence greets his fellow cardinals with a speech:
“Certainty is the great enemy of unity. Certainty is the deadly enemy of tolerance. Even Christ was not certain at the end. ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’ he cried out in his agony at the ninth hour on the cross. Our faith is a living thing precisely because it walks hand-in-hand with doubt. If there was only certainty and no doubt, there would be no mystery. And therefore, no need for faith. Let us pray that God will grant us a Pope who doubts. And let him grant us a Pope who sins and asks for forgiveness and who carries on.”
I looked at Patrick, my arms covered in goosebumps. Cardinal Lawrence was right — if everything was already known, why would anyone even need faith, need religion?
I am less than 4 weeks away from leaving teaching, without a solid idea of what is next for me. The future is unknown. And fear lingers at every turn of thought, giving its unwanted opinions with “what if”s that leave me reeling.
But fear is a liar. I’ve been here before. I’ve listened to fear and let it keep me trapped in a situation that did not serve me, and when I finally got out, what did I learn? That everything I feared would happen, didn’t.
In fact, only good came my way. What was meant for me found me, because I turned away from fear, out of love for myself, and kept faith that everything would be okay. (Having the best support system here in Miami didn’t hurt, either.)
As I move forward into the unknown yet again, I am reminding myself to keep faith. And if there is a god, well, Pope Francis did say, “God’s love is the same for each and every person. No matter what your religion, even for an atheist, it’s the same love.” So, maybe there really is a higher power watching over me and my loved ones. Maybe that higher power is simply unconditional love. We can never know with any certainty.
But it’s that unknown, that uncertainty, that mystery of life, that inspires any faith at all. And for all the unexpected people and experiences life has granted me, I am only ever grateful and full of love.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Writing With Abandon 